i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
