in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We just shotgunned beers for America
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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