Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
