I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
