I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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