Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Randomize
