I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
