based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
