For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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