guys are only as good as the porn they watch
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
