tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
