All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
