The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Randomize
