And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This house was built for laser tag.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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