she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
