Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
