My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
