Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
