He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
