also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
