Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
