Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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