i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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