He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
