I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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