Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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