Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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