I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
