goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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