Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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