Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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