Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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