Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
