new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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