when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
