I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
