so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
