I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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