I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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