every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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