I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
