On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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