I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
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