my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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