just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
