I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
