My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Michael Bay diarrhea
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
