it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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