I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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