when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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