you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
