got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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