im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
