I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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