Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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