My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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