I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.