I want to walk on stilts...naked
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
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yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can